Unless you somehow end up marooned on a desert island, you’ll be surrounded by people all your life. Spoiler alert: none of these life lessons will ever prepare you for being marooned on a desert island. You’ll be surrounded by people even if you’re a complete introvert who’s favourite pastimes are reading, bullet journaling, and hiding from the postwoman.
Which means you’ll have a lot of people with whom to compare yourself. Some of them will be taller than you, some will be slimmer, some will have cool tattoos, some will know the correct usage of ‘whom’. These may or may not be desirable skills.
We’re all individual…ish
Us humans are a funny old bunch. In some ways we’re highly individualistic. In other ways, we’re still very much herd animals. We want to believe we’re unique and special and different, but at the same time we’re peering over the neighbour’s fence to make sure that we’re being unique and special and different in the same way that they are.
Social media has only heightened these behaviours. We’re on display to the world, so naturally we want to seem as interesting, exciting, intelligent and witty as possible.
Platforms like Instagram, Twitter and Facebook give us unprecedented access to other people’s lives, in a way that used to get you arrested.
Sometimes this is a wonderful benefit – for example, all the people talking openly about their struggles with things like mental health, sexuality, gender identity, and so on. It’s allowed the underrepresented to have their voices heard, to dispel the myths around them, and to show the world what they’re really like.
It’s a lot harder for stereotypes to persevere when there is ample evidence to the contrary, in the same way it’s difficult to believe that all horses wear top hats if you work in a stable.
It’s also great for overcoming the feelings of loneliness and isolation we can all often feel when we think we posses what is actually quite a common ‘flaw’. I can’t count the number of times I’ve felt a great sense of relief upon seeing a much-liked tweet confessing to some silly habit or ‘fault’ I thought was mine alone.
The mass lies of social media
But, like a kitten sitting on an unexploded landmine, social media can be dangerous underneath it’s welcoming surface. While it gave many people the chance to speak out and show the world the honest truth about people like them, it gave others the chance to manufacture their identity and sanitise their lives. Such editorial control of self-image used to be the sole preserve of celebrities.
The thing is, we all knew celebrities were faking it. But when we see ‘normal’ people talking about their perfect lives, perfect jobs, perfect partners, perfect kids, their charity work, and their hugely successful businesses, we think it must be true. It’s like reality TV – it’s even got the word ‘reality’ in it. It must be real!
We think that what we see is all there is; the reality is very different. That perfect photo on Instagram of someone looking thoughtful and beautiful, or of the delicious meal they just ‘whipped up’, could have taken hours to stage. Case in point: I once saw an article that recommended sieving eggs before frying them as it would make the edges neater, so they’d look better on Instagram…
Or take the young couple who turned up on a Cornish beach one time. The woman posed on the sand while her partner moved around her, trying to get the best photos. Then they both got up, got an ice cream, and left. They didn’t even look at the scenery. In those pictures of her ‘enjoying’ the beach, the beach itself was nothing more than a backdrop to a nice snap.
Making a full story out of half the facts
That person who built a hugely successful business, or who bought their own home at the age of 22 (kudos to them both), may have a lot of help that never gets mentioned. Perhaps they were left a lot of money by a rich relative, or were able to live rent free in their parent’s massive house while saving for a deposit.
You just don’t know, and the thing about these advantages is people tend to not realise that they have them. It’s not always the case that people are trying to hide something.
When you compare yourself to someone you’re at a distinct disadvantage: you can see all the positives and negatives about yourself, but usually only the positives about them. In Game Theory it’s called information asymmetry. You’re sitting there thinking you have a great poker hand, without anyone else in the room telling you the game is actually Uno.
Online, we’re like prisoners in Plato’s cave; only able to guess what the world is like by watching shadows on the wall in front of us. Assuming you know the truth about someone from the shadows they choose to cast will leave you trapped in your own cave of despair. There’s only one person you can accurately compare yourself to, and that’s you.
Easier said than done
If I could snap my fingers, I’d make it possible for me to not spend time obsessing over whether or not the people I see online are better, sexier, fitter, more talented or more successful than I am. My life is uniquely mine, so why use someone else’s as a yardstick to measure it?
Of course, in reality this is a very difficult habit to overcome. But just being able to see how little we really know about the people we assume are better than us can help start to break that cycle.
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Header photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash